Your Mama Hears...

...From a usually very reliable South Florida informant we'll call Fannie Fanstheflames that former swimsuit model/nanny Elin Nordegren (Woods) has been spotted shopping around for a Tiger free lair in Boca Raton, FL. According to Miz Fanstheflames, word on the celebrity real estate street in South Florida is that Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods is hunting for a suitable new nest in the five million clam range.

At least one previous report of house hunting rumors indicated that one of Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods foremost requirements for a new home is that it have a guest house where Tiger can stay when visiting his cubs because who wants their always on the prowl ex-huzband staying up in their crib? No one, that's who.

Premature reports of the erstwhile couple's dee-vorce settlement indicated that for her troubles and public humiliations Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods would receive a mind melting $750,000,000 plus ownership of the couple's primary residence–where she did not beat his cheating ass down with a 9-iron–located behind the gates of an upscale community in suburban Orlando's Windermere, FL, another more modest property located just around the corner, an apartment in a particularly swank section of Stockholm, and a small farmhouse on Falgaro Island in Sweden Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods purchased in the days immediately following the scandalous public revelations of Mister Can't Keep It In His Pants' prolific extra-marital catting around. Mister Woods was reportedly to retain ownership of the former couple's not yet completed compound on Jupiter Island, FL, as well as a property in Newport Beach, CA where he may or may not have trysted with one or more of his Harem of Hussies.

However, more recent reports state that Mister Woods isn't even worth three-quarters of a billion bucks and that Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods has requested approximately $100,000,000 in exchange for a trial-free dee-vorce. Your Mama would bet everything we have that Mister Tarnished Reputation does not want a public trial that might have further negative impact on what whatever lucrative endorsement deals he still has and might also have Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods' attorney, sending his Harem of Hussies subpoenas to appear in court to give their side of the story regarding the integrity and character of Mister Woods.

Whatever the case Your Mama thinks Soon To Be Ex-Missus Woods deserves every penny she gets. Beehawtcha earned it. There's a moral lesson in there for all you married (ladees and) gentleman who might be considering getting a little–or a lot of–nookie on the side.

Celine Dion's Private Water Park

Buckle up your safety belts butter beans because some mind-altering new photographs of overly impassioned Canadian singer Celine Dion's newly completed watery wonderland in Jupiter Island, FL are coming out and, lo-wurhd have mercy, is this place ever a doozy.

In June of 2005, Miz Dion and her May-December man-mate/manager Rene Angelil dumped $12,525,000 on a 3.7 acre ocean front spread on Florida's fancy schmancy Jupiter Island. In January of 2008, they snatched up the undeveloped 2-acre lot next door for another $7,032,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads reveals that the wildly wealthy Miz Dion spent $19,557,000 on the two properties that combined total 5.7 acres. She then proceeded to knock down the existing structures and rebuild her own private water park with a mansion in the middle at a cost that surely ran to many millions of smackers.

Previous reports reveal the main house, a 2-story, Bahamas-style affair, measures 9,825 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 full poopers including a master suite with at least one private balcony, an outdoor spa, three fireplaces, and a 460-square foot closet/dressing area. The house, according to recent reports, also includes an octagonal, ocean view living room, a sound-proof tee-vee room, an elevator, and a basement level for laundry facilities and staff quarters. Oh dear. All it would take for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's temperamental house gurl Svetlana to go all hara kiri is to tell her that Celine Dion, a woman so rich she could probably outspend the damn Pope, is relegating her live-in staff members to basement accommodations on a property plenty large enough to house them in separate, dignified, and above ground digs. It's no wonder some of these staff people end up calling the tabloids and ratting out their employers. Do rich and/or famous folks really think they can stick the help in cell sized basement bedrooms and expect loyalty? Pleeze.

There are also two guesthouses including one with 8 damn bedrooms, an underground garage, tennis court, vast swathes of flat, green lawns that extend from the road to the beach, a poolside cabana, and an octagonal beach cabana where, it has been widely reported, Miz Dion will keep her body torture devices, otherwise known as exercise equipment. There are, according to previous reports, a total of 15 bedrooms and 14 full and 6 half poopers, enough that Mister and Missus Dion will surely need a full time terlit gurl.

But it's the three swimming pools that really sets Miz Dion's estate apart from all others. In addition to the rectangular shaped swimming pool between the main house and the ocean, there's another vast paddling pool that butts up against the front of the house and includes a swim up bar and a gigantic gazebo that juts out into the water. Beyond that is yet another, free-form swimming pool complex with three bridges–or four, depending on how you count–two gazebos including one that is two full stories tall, a tree house like thing, two water slides, and some crazy thing called a "lazy river," a meandering channel with a slow current that carries swimmers around the loop without them having to exert any effort.

Your Mama recommends that y'all consider poppin' a nerve pill and downing a stiff gin & tonic before doing so, but the new photographs can be seen by clicking here.

Property records show that the 5-time Grammy winning Miz Dion owns a 6,608 square foot mansion with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers near Lake Las Vegas in Henderson, NV that was purchased in August of 2003 for $5,056,256. Unless she buys a bigger and better crib, Your Mama assumes this is where the currently preggers with twins ladee will live when she starts back at Caesar's Palace in March of 2011 singing her heart out and pounding her chest like she's giving herself the CPR. She also owns the property next door that includes a parking area, guesthouse, and a jungle gym or two for her young tot. Presumably she and Mister Dion also own a house in Montreal or somewhere around that area but Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that.

Chuck Panozzo Lists Modern Tropical House

SELLER: Chuck Panozzo
LOCATION: Wilton Manors, FL
PRICE: $799,000
SIZE: 2,000 square feet (approximately), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back when we were just knee high to a billy goat, Your Mama recalls one particular, sunny Saturday afternoon when our well intentioned but culturally paranoid Christian neighbors had all the local kids over for punch, cookies, and a lesson in "backmasking." Some of the children may recall the early 1980s when a bizarre brouhaha broke out about backmasking, a technique through which a hidden message is recorded backwards into a song that is meant to be played forward. The only way to "hear" these alleged hidden messages is to play the recording backward, which of course almost nobody does. The backmasking fracas got so out of control that in 1983 a bill was actually introduced in California aimed at preventing backmasking that "can manipulate our behavior without our knowledge or consent and turn us into disciples of the Antichrist." Disciples of the Antichrist? Pu-leeze. Have y'all heard of anymore more ludicrous in your lives?

Anyhoo, although we'd spent hours (and hours and hours) with Linda Rondstadt and The Knack spinning on the family turntable, Your Mama had never heard of playing a damn record backwards and couldn't fathom why someone would do something so stupid. Our seemingly guileless neighbors on the other hand–bless their little hearts–were in a feverish panic about this backmasking issue because they, like so many fundamentalist religious groups at the time, believed some bands were backmasking not just any ol' messages but Satanic messages into their songs.

With wild-eyes, our neighbors whipped out their tape recorder and played all us innocent kiddies some recorded examples of these so-called Satanic messages. We furrowed our brow, cocked our head, and listened for the voice of the devil. We heard a lot of garbled things we couldn't understand and then, practically jumping out of their skin with outrage and excitement, our poor neighbors would screech at us what it was we were supposed to be hearing. This went on for an hour or more. As Your Mama slowly shifted our attention away from the tape recorder and focussed on the cookies and the sad, cat tattered curtains, our hosts prayed for our salvation from Satanic music. They gave us a list of bands that allegedly put backwards Satanic messages in their music and warned us from listening to the bands lest we become minions of the devil himself. Your Mama left with the baby hairs standing straight up on the back of our sweating neck, not because we thought Satan was trying to send messages through Led Zepplin songs but because over the course of our lesson on backmasking we developed a very strong feeling that our neighbors were 47 kinds of crazy.

One of the many bands that was on the list of bands our neighbors encouraged us to boycott was Styx. Not only had they named their band after the mythological River Styx that separated earth from the underworld–otherwise known as hell–they, allegedly, included the absurd backwards message "Satan move through our voices" in their song Snowblind from the Paradise Theatre album. We don't know about that, but we do know that Come Sail Away was and still is a classic worth listening to every now and then.

This has all been a all a very, long and roundabout way of getting around to the real estate matter at hand. Thanks to the generous and bizzy boys at Celebrity Address Aerial, we've learned that Chuck Panozzo, the bass playing founding member of Styx, and his artist man-friend Tim have put their modest but exuberantly done Bali marries south Florida style house in Wilton Manors, FL on the market with an asking price of $799,000.

In 2001, after 30 years as a rock star swarmed with louche and languid groupies, Mister Panozzo left the band and came out publicly as a gay man living with HIV. A year later he released an autobiography appropriately called The Grand Illusion: Love, Lies, and My Life With Styx. Since coming out of the closet, Mister Panozzo has become a vocal advocate for AIDS awareness and gay rights. He reportedly sometimes gets with and plays gigs with the current members of Styx.

Wilton Manors, for those not familiar with the particulars of geography in south Florida, is a gay friendly enclave near Fort Lauderdale, a beach town also popular with the gays and spring breakers so drunk they can't spell their damn names. Property records show Mister Panozzo and his man-friend purchased the property in the gayborhood in June of 2005 for $635,714.

Listing information indicates the walled and gated single story residence measures around 2,000 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 3 poopers. The front motor court, a kind of circular drive that's not actually circular is separated from the front courtyard by a tall white wall. Entry is through a gate under a Japanese style pergola thing that opens to a decked bridge that spans a koi pond and leads to the glass front door. Flanking the front door are a couple of statues that would startle the skin right off Your Mama as we came across that bridge on a boozy and dusky evening.

The interior spaces, an open plan sort of thing has a corner living room with ivory leather furniture that opens to the back yard through a couple of French doors and a dining area furnished with a small round table with a Lucite base and four barely there Lucite chairs that sit on a faintly patterned round rug. Mister Panozzo clearly has a thing for upsetting statuary. To the right of the dining room table is a statue of what looks like a very hungry peasant person and, to the left, a stone torso in front of the shimmery, possibly mother of pearl tiled wall depicting a well-built man with his naughty bits exposed. Listen poodles, Your Mama's decorating rule #797 clearly states that regardless of artistic provenance no gay man's home should ever include semi-lurid statues, paintings, and/or drawings of naked men. It's just unseemly and unnecessarily cliché. However, if one insists on having a carved stone nude torso of a well-built man in one's home, the dining room is just not the place to put it. Ever. Seriously. Nobody wants to look at some statues stone twigs and berries while trying to tuck into a hot plate of chicken cacciatore. Well, at least no one Your Mama knows.

Amid the extravaganza of tropical flora and Buddhist statues and bas reliefs are several koi ponds and other water feathers, meditation gardens, a saltwater swimming pool and tented poolside cabana with gauzy curtains and a giant u-shaped sofa over flowing with what Your Mama can only hope are dozens of multi-colored and patterned throw pillows. The lily is perhaps more gilded here than we might prefer for our own poolside cabana but at least Miss Panozzo had the good decorative sense not to karate chop the throw pillows. Your Mama can hardly bear the summer heat and humidity of southern Flaw-reeduh but we could probably stomach the situation for an afternoon or two iffin we could replace that big ol' rough wood coffee table with some sort of apparatus where Big Sven and his Big Hands could work his massage magic.

Your Mama hasn't any idea why Mister Panozzo would want to sell his version of tropical paradise, but perhaps he's moving back to Chicago? On to bigger and better digs? Downsizing to a condo on the beach? Maybe if we listen to some of his records in reverse we'll hear some sort of clue.

Fat Joe the Rapper Lists Suburban Florida Residence

SELLER: Joseph Cartagena, a.k.a. Fat Joe
LOCATION: Plantation, FL
PRICE: $1,999,000
SIZE: 5,342 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple weeks ago we received a missive from Vlad the Revealer over at Celebrity Address Aerial who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that some rapper dude named Fat Joe was selling his newly built mansion in some place called Plantation, FL for $1,999,000.

As the children might imagine, Your Mama didn't know this Fat Joe person from a box of bees. After exhausting more pressing subjects and some less pressing matters, we eventually took the interweb to discover what we could figure out about this Fat Joe and Your Mama quickly learned that the Bronx born rapper fella has been big on the gangsta rap scene since the early 1990s, has some sort of stoopid feud going with 50 Cent, witnessed a couple of his dawgs get gunned down in 2007 while sitting in a rented Cadillac Escalade in front of a club in South Beach, possesses a seriously bad ass collection of kicky kicks, and is tremendously fat.

According to property records and the Broward County tax man, in May of 2000 Mister Fat Joe forked over $115,000 to purchase a vacant lot that measures just a hair over an acre in Plantation, FL, an upscale enclave just west of Fort Lauderdale pushed up against The Everglades and too near some terrible sounding highway called Alligator Alley for Your Mama's psychic comfort.

A bit more digging around on the internets and we discover that Mister Fat Joe hired LM Architect & Associates to design and build a Mediterranean meets modern style mansion completed sometime in 2009. The big boy's manse measures, according to marketing materials, 5,342 square feet and includes a total of 4 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers between the main house and a second floor guest house that includes wood floors, full kitchen facilities, a wall mounted boob-toob, and private pooper for guests, in-laws or live-in staff.

Electronic gates swing open to the driveway, which is hedged for privacy, and leads to the front of the house dominated by a large motor court and front facing three car garage that sits just to the right of the front entrance. The double front doors open to a long and extra-wide entrance hall that features lustrous 24" x 24" polished Alhambra limestone floors with wood inlay, high ceilings, an upside-down wedding cake shaped crystal chandelier, and unfortunately, an entire wall covered floor to ceiling with shimmery mother of pearl tiles.

Just to the right of the entrance lies the formal dining room, a somewhat narrow space with custom made, hammered metal paper wall covering (whatever that is), a metallic, cloud-like "Hollywood" chandelier (whatever that is), and sexy, bone colored suede drapes that hang in front of a tall arched window. The fancy floor tile style displayed in the entrance hall continues into the formal living room, an uncomfortably impersonal space where vast expanses of walls are busted up with windows covered in putty colored heather silk taffeta drapery.

The gore-may kitchen has timber-tile floors (whatever that is) with cork grout, glossy white cabinetry from some swank Italian outfit, a large work island and breakfast bar, a full compliment of high grade appliances including 2 side by side refrigerator/freezers, and a most unusual, sort of beachy blue and white striated granite counter top.

Like all good celebrity homes, Mister Fat Joe's nest comes equipped with a state of the art home theater system that includes 10 ivory leather power seats that listing information indicates cost $50,000, a wicked sound system, and a 100" screen.

The master suite, a large carpeted room off the entrance hall, has French doors that open to the backyard, 3 walk-in closets/dressing areas, one of which Your Mama presumes is devoted entirely to Mister Fat Joe's sneakers, and a dee-luxe pooper with slick and glassy taupe colored tile work, double vanity, a hydro-tub set into a massive raised platform in a bay window, steam shower and clover shaped chandelier fashioned from what appears to be capiz shells strands or some other opaque material that emits and warm glow.

The backyard includes a large rectangular swimming pool and circular spa, both of which appear to be all did up with mosaic tiles in varying shades of aqua. The pool and spa are surrounded by a generous stone terrace which is in turn surrounded by large, flat and unnaturally green swathes of lawn.

In a convergence of real estate and (quasi-) celebrity, Mister Fat Joe listed his newly built crib in Plantation with comely Katrina Campins who, the children may recall, shared a room with that frightening and volatile Omarosa ladee–remember that beehawtcha?–on the first season of The Apprentice and then went back to the reality tee-vee well again in 2009 on an utterly pointless and banal reality program called Miami Social.